The Helpless Soul of Mine

Oh wretched, oh helpless soul of mine 

How could I be so blind and not see the sign 

All I could think of was my hurt and my pain 

Unwilling to see beyond what I would gain 

The justice that I sought, they had to pay 

I sat down, thinking of what I would say 

My mind was wrapped in a dark and thick cloud 

I was too stubborn to realize, a bit too proud 

Then my heart was touched by the God above 

Descending on me like a perfect, angelic dove 

I saw the pain in the person who was so caring, 

So loving, so kind, so gentle and caring 

I begged my savior, my Lord for help 

To save this broken, selfish whelp 

His compassion, his mercy he showed to me 

Providing a way to repent and be free

The Mountaintop

The stones echoed in anger as they fell down the side of the mountain and to the valley below. The monotonous tone of the rocks cried out, refusing to keep silent. My fingers grew numb as I grabbed for any and all handholds upon the mountains edge, failing more often than not. My feet slipped and fell on the loose rock, tearing into my skin through the holes of my jeans. This would not deter me, my mind is resolute, and I have to keep climbing upward.

A feral growl grew from deep within as my determination grew. My instincts to survive the climb had all but taken over. Nothing on this mountain would dare to come in my way. My body begged for rest, but I would not have it. I could not have it! The top was in site and my answers will be found there. They had to be, they must be. There was no other recourse, no other path to take. The climb was all that mattered. There would be no rest in this life until I reached my goal.

I had to face God where he would be, to answer for the pain He caused me. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, to scream my pain, my hurt, my sorrows into his face. I wanted him to know. I wanted…I...wanted.

Many plans to prosper me he said, but I do not see prosperity. Sorrow has been my gift and sorrow did not leave. It always found its way back. No more, I could take it no more. I wanted answers, instead there was only silence. This is why I had to meet God at the mountaintop. Here the answer would come, here I will be heard. My petition, my request could not be ignored.

My hand grabbed the edge of the top as I felt a firm grip for the first time throughout the climb. My labored breathing came in rasps, begging for water to quench my thirst. It did not matter, nothing else concerned me in this life. The wind blew its chilling breath as I worked to stand on the firm ground. I swayed in the wind as I cried out to God. “Show me why!!?”

The wind carried the sound of my voice into the clouds above. At that same instant thunder struck, blasting its anger, careening off of the edge of the mountain and bringing me to my knees. In its place was a cross, shining brightly in the sky above. Rain like tears started pelting the ground around me. In my selfishness and sorrow, I had forgotten. This life was not about me, it never was. My tears mixed with those from the sky. I blanket of comfort wrapped around me and I knew, at that point, that God understood my pain too.

I preferred this, I knew, to be in God’s presence. I did not want to go back down the mountain and face my fears and pain. The hurt that this life caused was too great and all I wanted was to find my rest in the presence of God. This is the peace that I craved.

The House - The Bedroom (Part 3)

Now that my finances were in order, I wanted to get back out into the dating scene. Time to put my effort into chasing girls instead of chasing material goods I thought to myself. Jesus had helped with that anyway and with a better budget, I had the freedom to spend it on women. I had recently broken up from a long-term relationship and I did not plan on anything serious. The emptiness and loneliness without having someone else beside me clouded my thoughts.

I soon realized that the Christian values did not help me very much in my quest to find and date women. This negative aspect alone caused me to doubt myself on why I had let Jesus move in, in the first place. Women seemed drawn to me just by treating them like I didn’t care. Had I known this earlier, I would have been the perfect relationship guru in town. Though, as they say, it is better late than never when it comes to being every woman’s dream. Or at least, that’s how I pictured myself as.

There was one main hurdle that I had to overcome. This came about when I tried to bring a girl to my house. Having to let them know I had a “roommate” didn’t quite go over so well. I played it off well, usually, but sometimes the night didn’t go as I had planned. Jesus seemed to have this solemn look on his face that didn’t quite sit well with me. The girls would feel superstitious as if I had a dad that kept an eye on me and what I did.  So my plan was to circumvent this issue altogether.

My house had this back entrance that would lead to a small room right next to my bedroom. The look that Jesus would give me, avoiding the front entrance seemed like the smartest thing to do. Besides, I normally came home late at night anyway, why bother Jesus? I did not want a hindrance for the life I wanted to live.

By using the back door, it was a win/win situation for me. I would not feel uncomfortable by the look Jesus gave me, I did not have to explain why I had a roommate, and by the time she left in the morning, she wouldn’t know any better nor would Jesus get in my way. This whole issue had been easily resolved, or at least this is what I believed. Yet, for some reason, it didn’t quite seem like I was doing the right thing. I shook the thoughts from my head as soon as they appeared.

I wanted the women that I slept with to fill the void that the last girl had left vacant. Instead, every morning I felt worse than I had the day before. The temporary happiness and love from the prior night did not heal me. It only felt as if the scab had been ripped off and the wound grew worse the following day. As the weekends continued and the women came and went, I fell further into a pit of despair. Why were these women not the answer I had hoped they would be?

It became a viscous cycle that dragged me further down, just like a drug that never satisfied. I did not come out feeling that I was cured, rather that the medication was not strong enough. Maybe, I thought, I was not experiencing enough? So I started to treat the women worse than I did before, thinking that adding something new would help medicate me. The thing is, I wanted to cure me, to fix me and the void in my heart. The means for how I got there or who I used should not matter. Yet, the new prescription I gave myself only added to the emptiness in my heart.

It was during one of these mornings where I finally decided to ask Jesus why I felt the way that I did. He pointed to the Bible, but I scoffed at him. “The view of relationships in the Bible is outdated,” I said, “how could it know any better in this day and age? Sex is just a physical thing and it doesn’t affect you.”

Jesus replied. “Then why do you feel the way that you do?”

I began to make a retort, but stopped myself. Why did the depression and despair I felt grow worse after? I was seeking to fill a hole in my heart with any woman I could find who showed interest in me. Deep down I knew this but I had been blinded to it because of my physical desires.

Jesus wasn’t done with me. If coming to the realization that I was using women to medicate myself wasn’t bad enough, he had to finish me, just like the old Mortal Kombat games I played as a kid. So the dagger came, the words that I could not forget even to this day. Jesus said, “Do you not see, do you not understand? You are hurting me.” He paused and with a sadness in his eyes and continued, “They are my daughters whom I love.”

The words tore through me like a butter knife through melted butter.

I never realized the choices I had made, never understood the consequences of my actions. I had looked at women as an object to be worshiped, to be used and thrown to the side. My selfishness refused to see beyond my own pain and into the heart of another. If they are his daughters I thought…should they not be seen as my sisters?

The thought of my actions, the way I had treated all these women flooded through my mind. I couldn’t look Jesus in the eye, I felt unclean, evil, and dirty. All it took was a few words and my entire worldview shattered before me.

I started to remember what the women I was sleeping with had told me. One had come from a recently broken relationship and was seeking the same thing I had. I looked past this only because what I cared about more was her body, not her soul. She had left without a word the next day. Another had told me that she was sexually abused as a kid and had looked for someone to help heal her heart. I had looked past this pain because of my inability to see beyond my own short-term desires.

The pain and hurt that was in the world around me was real. I, just like everyone else, thought sex was a way to fill a void in the heart. That the passions of the flesh was just physical. I knew this could not be true anymore, not after what I had gone through and the words of Jesus which cut into my soul.

I slowly took the key to my bedroom and gave it to Jesus. It would take time for me to heal from this pain and grow, but one thing I knew, I couldn’t view the women I was with or the relationships I had the same way as before. My willingness to let Jesus hold me accountable while I was dating a girl was a beginning, I knew. Maybe, I thought, I should hold off until the right time to do so.

The road would not be an easy one, and I was glad that I still had one place of solace left to go. The last key burned in my pocket, begging me to follow its call.

The Double-Edged Sword

The double-edged sword pierced my body and into my heart with ease. I had fought day and night against my foe, yet winning seemed futile. The cold earth rested below me as I lay with my arms out wide. The battle left me out of energy and out of breath. No more could I defend against the blows, no longer did I fight for my life, and I had nowhere left to run. I welcomed the strike, an end to the misery that the last few days had brought. The double-edged blade knew its mark and its strike was true.

The pain that I felt was sharp and real, yet the wound drew no blood. It cut to the core of my heart, but I could still hear the beats that it took. All I could do was to be still and wait for the coldness of death to overtake me. It never came. A moment of panic started to build up as I lay pinned to the ground, the sword holding me in place. I prayed fervently that God would rescue me, something that I hadn’t done in years.

A sudden stream of emotions flooded through my body, taking over my soul like a bolt of lightning from the clouds above. The pain, the hurt, the tears that I caused to the one whom I loved the most, overwhelmed me. The realization of what I had done, all the yelling, abuse, and pain was from a place of darkness that had resided inside of me. I did not see through it and I could not understand it, not until I was pierced through the heart by this…double-edged sword. It was as if it carried the truth straight into the deepest part of my soul and bringing with it the reality of who I had become and what I had done. It crept up from my heart and into my mind as it overwhelmed my thoughts and emotions.

I knew now that my selfishness, my pride had come in the way. I ruined, what I believed, was the only good thing left in my life. Tears streamed down my eyes as I sought to claw the memories from my mind. The sword had brought conviction, a truth that I was blinded too. It pierced, not my heart, but the darkness surrounding it. It struck deep into my soul, not to finish me, but to redeem it.

I began to understand that the pain which I felt was not from the double-edged sword, it was my own. 

The wound had always been there and the sword only found the source. As it removed itself from my heart, it took with it the darkness that blinded me. I was left broken but with hope. I was in a place of remorse but not without strength to continue on. I knew what I had to do, though the path to redemption would not be an easy one.

Hebrews 4:12

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

The Beach

The grains of the sand sifted between my fingers as I moved my hand across, breaking the smooth surface that had once been in its place. The heat flowed through the sand as it warmed my body, moving up my arm, fighting the chillness that had once stood in its place. I knew that the tide would remove all clues of my very existence from this place, forgetting the roughness that I had brought and leaving no memory behind.

My fist clenched the sand as I lifted my hand up in the air. A sign of refusal to accept the fate that befalls all men. The sand slowly began to seep through my fist, trickling down the arm and bouncing off my body and back to the beach below. I opened my fist only for the sand to fall at a quicker rate until there was nothing left. It settled where it fell, forgetting how it had been lifted up and ending back from whence it had come.

As I sat in my chair, my body grew tired, remembering the long life it had once lived. The ocean waves brought with it a reminder of the eternal cycle of life on earth. The breeze gave a smell that no longer provided comfort, only a chilling breeze as it passed through my bones, continuing its predetermined path.

Time did not stop for me, it slipped past as quickly as the sand from my very hand. The beach stretched beyond the horizon and I felt lonely, afraid, and tired. I had gained all I wanted in life, lived as one with no thought of an afterlife or consequences to my actions. The retirement I spent my entire life working towards was not what I had envisioned. It did not make me happy as I had been told, instead I was overwhelmed with bitterness. I had given up everything for this very moment, my friends, my faith, my very soul. Now, as time neared its very end, I had nothing left. There was no laughter, no comfort, and no joy. All that kept me company was regret.

Why did the beach bring such an emptiness to my soul? I pondered the question until darkness wrapped around me like a mother putting her son to sleep.

The House - The Private Office (Part 2)

My days were spent with a new weekly task. I created this spreadsheet to keep track of all my possessions in each room. Not only was I proud of my newly developed skills in excel, but this was also a way to figure out what Jesus was up to, to find anything else that went missing in my house. I believed he was trying to be sneaky, hiding it from me and trying to be quiet about it. No matter what though, he still caused unwanted and unnecessary drama in my life.

He kept irritating me with additional requests and had a strong inability to follow orders. One of these was his constant failure to comply with keeping out of the areas of my house that he could not go. It bothered me that he felt like knocking on the door to my private office. This is where I took care of my finances and where I worked. I felt as if he was trying to solicit me on a continual basis for his services. He told me that he had experience in handling finances. Hah! I wouldn’t trust my own mother with my finances.

The crazy thing is, he wanted ten percent of my income.  Ten percent! I almost felt like this was his intention all along. Come in to my house, befriend me, try to help me be a better person, and then come after me for his commission. Feels like every other scam that I have been pitched in my life. I should’ve known that this would happen at some point. Nothing is ever free.

Though, since I was benefiting from his help in other areas of my life, I didn’t really want to kick him out of my house. It was a simple thing really, keep my money from him and things would be alright. I was practicing forgiveness anyway, so the least I could do was forgive Jesus for demanding a large commission for taking care of my finances. The government was already taking half my money and it never truly followed up on its promises. So, why trust someone else with the rest? Besides, it’s not like Jesus stopped doing work in my house and demanded payment.

Just like anything in life, it never ends the way you hope. Thus, one fateful day it all escalated. Jesus walked unannounced into my office, asking to look at my work files and bank statements. Does he not listen to what I say? I knew what he was doing, trying to start doing the work only to charge me for it later. The audacity! Finances are not his concern and nor will it ever be. Who even dares to do such a thing? I was mad, angry that he stepped out of line. That line being the door to my office. My temper flared. “I control this and you stay out!” I yelled. “How dare you think that you know better how to run my finances?”

I had to shove him out and lock the door to my office, refusing to believe that he could help me. I knew exactly what I needed, what I wanted to spend it on, and make sure I had all I wanted in life. I felt confident that I could control my money and job and had done so up until this point. The rest of that day I sat brooding in my office, making plans for a possible contract with Jesus so that he doesn’t cross this line again.

A week later, everything fell apart. It was unexpected and came completely by surprise. Just like a low budget horror movie. My company had a breach of contract with a business partner and lost their biggest income. The layoffs happened almost simultaneously. The prayer that I would keep my job went unanswered. A kick to the curb with a low end severance pay did not leave me with a lot of options.

I knew not what I would do or how to make it from here. This had been the only job since graduating from college and I grew numb thinking that I had no way to pay for my next month’s rent. The realization that I may have to ask my parents for money shattered any sort of pride that I had left in my life. I came home in a sad state and walked straight into my office, refusing to acknowledge the presence of Jesus who looked overly concerned.

I spent days, months in my office, trying to figure out what to do with my life as it crashed down around me. Things spiraled out of my control and I was unable to piece it back together. I needed a way out, a way that I could feel secure once more. I did everything in my power, but the realization that I could not dig myself out made me sick to my stomach. Job applications came up empty and no one seemed to be hiring except McDonald’s who told me I was over qualified. Anything I tried to do regarding an income kept falling short. I was running out of time and the knowledge of having to live in my parent’s basement once again would permanently put an end to my social life as I knew it.

At my worst, at my wits end, I heard a knock on my office door. I knew who it was, but at that point I didn’t care anymore. I figured, why not let him in? What harm can he do to me that I hadn’t already done to myself? He can charge ten percent of my income at this point I thought. The jokes on him though because he would be working for free.

I unlocked the door and let him in…begrudgingly. He immediately began by pushing me out of my seat, having me sit to the side as he went to the desk and began organizing everything to his liking. At first he started to cut out all these things that had become part of my life. He removed my cable TV subscription, sold my car for a cheaper model, halved my restaurant and drinks budget, and banned me from most of my favorite top brand clothing stores. I felt as if I should be mad, but I was too worn out to care.

As I sat around my house doing nothing, things started to come back into order. I had no idea how much money I was spending on things that I didn’t need in my life. He found me a job that I thought didn’t believed even existed. It was a similar pay, if not a little less, but I was happy to start working once again. Doing nothing is not what people think it is.

I ended up loving my new job more than the one I had before and I actually cared about the work that I did. I felt as if the time and money that I had somehow increased. I didn’t have additional costs or payments for things I did not need I had more money to spend on a weekly basis. Even with the ten percent that Jesus took, I still had more left over than before!

This weight left my shoulders that I never knew was there. Maybe it was a good thing to let Jesus have this room as well I thought? He seemed up to the challenge and it freed up my time to focus on other things. There was a huge debt to pay off from loaning money while out of a job, but with the additional changes, I would get back into shape very soon. The best thing was that I still had my house.

Jesus approached me as I came home from my new job one day and explained why he had entered my office. He knew that I was going to lose my job and wanted to prepare me for it so that I would not go into debt. I did not understand or realize the long term consequences and only focused on what I thought was important to me at that moment. All he had in mind was trying to protect me and not make me a slave to money or to the debt that I incurred. If I had known what financial freedom would look like, I wouldn’t have been so stubborn to begin with. I finally felt free, free to use my money to help others and free to spend it on things that truly mattered in this world. Well, once I paid off this debt.

Jesus seemed to keep growing on me, but the deeper he went, the harder I seemed to resist.

The House - Moving In (Part 1)

I decided to write this short story based off of a quote from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. where God is coming to live in your house. Though, I took my own view on it and will post it in a four part series.

Part 1 - Moving In

I always believed that the choices I made in my life wouldn't haunt me in the end. Though, this was the worst kind of illusion. Each decision, each choice I made took me down a deeper and darker path. It had a minor slope at first, nothing too noticeable or slippery, and going down it was as easy as...walking. The accumulation of the miles I walked led me to the inevitable place, a place that I perceived as the bottom of the worst part of hell. The sorrows, the fear, the pain and sin overwhelmed me. There could not be a way out or redemption for a person such as me...or so I thought.

Had it not been for that friend in my life, the one person that gave off a light which cast shadows in the darkness, I would have been stuck in this wretched place forever. He had given me hope where there was none. All he told me was that I needed to accept the free gift of salvation found in Jesus. I way out? It can't be real I thought to myself.  I had nothing to lose so I grasped a hold of this hope with all my remaining strength, closing my eyes and waiting...for something. Then the unexpected happened, I felt as if I was being dragged out from my own hell so fast as if someone had put me on an elevator to the top of the tallest building. You know, the ones that make you feel as if you are shooting up into the clouds at the speed of light.

The path I took to accept Jesus into my life brought so much joy and love which I had never experienced before. I was a new man and forever changed. Butterflies filled my stomach at first as I knew that my life would be different, but I had no idea what to expect. Part of the deal, which I did not at first realize, was that Jesus said he was going to move into my house. What kind of deal was this, I thought? Couldn’t he just stay in his place and I in mine? Well, no matter how weird it seemed at first, I had made the decision to follow Him, so if this was part of the deal, then why not give it a try? I was a free man for the first time in my life and away from the horrible darkness I had put myself in.

I anxiously waited for my new guest to arrive. It was the first time anyone would stay for even one night at my house. I felt proud of my cleaning.  Any clothes lying around were tossed into a neat pile, hidden within my closet. My shoes were not in order, but all of them were stacked to the side, making it easy to walk into the house. I had done my best to vacuum, at least around the furniture. No point to move them. Even the bathroom felt clean for once as the most basic stains were wiped with some paper towels and water. Yes, I was definitely smiling ear to ear, knowing that any guest would feel that my house was clean and livable for the first time.

I expected he would bring with him all he needed for moving in, but as I saw him walking towards my house from a distance, all I could see was…him. There was no baggage, no moving truck, and no possessions of any kind. Who was this man? He seemed to come without a concern for the material things that his world requires. I had no idea how he connected with his friends without a cellphone, an essential need in this life. Well, if he wanted one, or anything else for that matter, he would have to buy it himself. There was no way that would I share.

Here he was, ready to move in to my place, all smiles and welcoming, as if he had been waiting for years! He just ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug. If this was how nice he was in person, the deal of us living together will not be so bad after all I thought.

His ideas to help keep my house clean and cozy were well-intentioned, but he wanted access to the entire house. This I could not allow. My office, bedroom, and basement were off limits and only for me. He had no reason to go to these areas, as they were private. The best scenario would be if he could take care of my house and keep it in order without getting in my way. It would look much better if a girl would come over, seeing the spotlessness of my house and Jesus keeping to his room. A sly smile crept over my face.

At first I enjoyed this new relationship and I saw changes in my life that I liked. He fixed some of the rot in the wood and leaking pipes in the draining system. But that’s where it ended. The worst part was that he never asked permission before throwing things away. At first I didn’t realize it, a pair of shoes here, or my favorite shirt there. When I found out, it was because my liquor cabinet had most of the bottles missing.

If he was going to drink it, he could have at least asked me first! So I confronted him about it and he told me had thrown the bottles away, stating that it wasn’t necessary for me to have. I was boiling with rage! I wanted to kick him out. All that money and good liquor…gone! We got into a screaming match, well, okay, I admit, it was only me screaming, but I felt justified for it. I asked him about other things that had gone missing and he had the audaciousness to admit putting it all in the garbage. He obviously had a poor way of defining what garbage was. This was crossing the line for me. There was no respect for my possessions!

“I've had enough! Out my house!” I yelled. “This is my life and you do not have the right to tell me what to do!” I seethed with rage and walked into my room, shutting the door with a resounding boom. He better be gone by the time I came back downstairs I thought to myself. The anger reminded me of who I was before I met Jesus and how upset I would get when I did not get my way. This deal was starting to suck and I did not like it one bit. As if I would just allow Jesus to get his own way? Why couldn't I just have fun and do what I want in my life. Every piece I collected from my past is part of me and I do not want to let it go. It was what allowed me to have fun. How could I just...leave it all behind?

I tossed and turned in my bed and soon gave up, staring at the ceiling. The initial shock and anger wore off, but my thoughts kept me awake. I started to remember the things he had thrown away. The pair of shoes from a previous job where I had cheated the company out of thousands of dollars for personal gain before quitting. The shirt I had for when I would go out to clubs and pick up girls for one night stands. They liked how it looked and my confidence lacked without it. The liquor came from my special cabinet where I would go to grab several drinks when I was the most depressed. Lacking these things seemed bad at first, but I did not really miss them as much as I thought. Did I need them? I wanted them, but all these things which gave me happiness, it only lasted for a short while before I felt even worse afterwards. Peace, that feeling of contentment, only came whenever I was around Jesus, but never without him.

Ahhhh!! The man that I should be kicking out of my house was starting to make me second guess myself. He must've poisoned my mind, making me all forgiving and such. I started to dislike this feeling when I wanted to act out, but couldn't. I knew Jesus' intentions were in the right place and that he was right, though, why did it have to be the stuff that I liked which he threw out? Maybe he just did not understand what he should or should not touch.

I left my room and walked downstairs. In a way, I was shocked to see him sitting quietly at the kitchen table, but also relieved he hadn’t left. I guess he was just waiting for me to apologize for my behavior. I still expressed my clear disapproval of his actions as he had not asked me first, but I did apologize to him for my behavior in the end. “You can stay,” I told him, “just ask me first before throwing something away.”  He only smiled back and told me that he was here to help me put my life on the right track. Wasn’t it already on the right track?  Either way, I thought, the worst part must be over.

What Master do you Serve?

I remember it clearly, the days leading up to my final year of undergraduate studies. I had come to my wits end, spending years fighting with God for the control of my life. My life until then was leading nowhere. I thought I knew what would make me happy and give me joy, but it was all empty in the end. Wasn't my belief in Jesus enough? I did not understand why nothing could satisfy me, even though I had tried my best to fill my life with whatever I wanted to do. I fought with God for years and grew tired of the struggle.  It was time for Him to take control, to lead me where He wanted me to go. It was a hard decision at that time and I knew not the plans that God had for me. Though, anything was better compared to the meaningless life I was currently living.

It was shortly after I surrendered my life to God that things started to change. A month into school, God planted the passion on my heart for what His plans for me would be and the path for how I got to where I am today included many miracles. Then, the next month I was tested to respond to God's calling in my life. He told me to go into ministry for a year(which turned into two) and I knew that I had to trust and obey Him. God was guiding me in life so quickly that it was almost as if He had been waiting impatiently for me to just follow Him.

God led me to a place where I would find joy and a passion while also providing me with everything I needed along the way. I have not been without joy, fulfillment in life, lasting friendships, money, food, and peace. There have been hardships and sorrows since then, but the foundation built on Christ kept me from falling under and I have come out of it stronger than before. My only regret was I did not decide to let God be the master of my life sooner. All it took was an understanding that to live a Christian life is not about just believing in Jesus, it is making Him the Lord of your life.

As John the Baptist says, "I must decrease and He must increase". Put God first and be led by the Spirit. There will be no powerful change in your life until this happens first. The Bible will hold no power to you and will not give the life giving words that it contains unless you make God more than just another religion. You must believe that He is real and wants what is best for you; to let Him change you from the inside. Let go of your pride.

As James says in chapter 1 verse 21, "Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the Word planted in you, which can save you." and later in 2:19, "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that---and shudder."  Belief in God and in what Jesus did on the Cross is only the beginning. If you sit here and say to yourself that your faith in God is weak or that God isn't there for you, i want to ask you, who is the Lord of your life? God? Or is it still you?  Are you living for Jesus or are you living for yourself?

If you fail to make God your master, you are committing the same sin that Adam and Eve did from the very beginning. They ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because they wanted to be like God. To be the master of their own life. You cannot be the master of your own life and also try to live a life of a Christian. God bought you with a price, and that price was the blood of Jesus on the cross.

In the end, either you want to be like God or you understand that you need God. This is your freedom of choice. Either, you are a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness. We all serve a master.

"I am sure most Christians have no conception of the danger and deceitfulness of a thought religion, with sweet and precious thoughts coming to us in books and preaching, and little power. The teaching of the Holy Spirit is in the heart first; man's teaching in the mind. Let all our thinking ever lead us to cease from thought, and to open the heart and will of the Spirit to teach therein His own Divine way, deeper than thought and feeling. Unseen, within the veil, the Holy Spirit abides. Be silent and still, believe and expect, and cling to Jesus."  -Andrew Murray (Holy in Christ)

The Lord's Prayer - Expanded

 No prayer is meant to be impersonal, it comes from the heart and expands on how we feel. Jesus helped provide us an example of the way we can pray, but there is no perfect way. Our prayers come from the heart and not from a memorized set of words. Most Christians know the Lord's prayer by memory and it goes as follow:

9 This, then, is how you should pray:

"Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

10 your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

11 Give us today our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

13 And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one." -Matthew 6:9-13

This prayer below is an expanded version from the Lord' prayer. It provides an example of how a prayer may look like as we turn to our Heavenly Father.


Our Father in Heaven,

You sit upon an everlasting throne of grace and mercy. You are greater than any one or anything on this Earth and mean more to me than what this world could possibly offer. I thank you for redeeming me through the death of Jesus on the Cross and His resurrection. I pray that your heavenly kingdom will shine on this Earth through me and through my actions. May I be a light to those who are suffering, to the brokenhearted, and to those who desperately need you. May your name be glorified through me. Help me to follow the path you set before me, guide my steps and my actions. Let it be this way, just as it is in heaven. Lord, provide me this day what I need to make it through. I know that I will need your grace for tomorrow, so let tomorrow worry about itself. May I live for the day that you have given me, that you may guide me in all my actions so I can be a blessing to those around. Lord, I also pray that you forgive me of my sins and help me repent of my guilt and wrongdoings. May I also extend this same forgiveness to those around, to anyone who has committed a fault against me. And Father, keep me from the temptation and deceitfulness of the evil one, deliver me from the sin that so quickly entangles. Help me and keep me strong as I walk on this Earth, so that I may give you glory and that your light will shine through me.

I pray this in the name of Jesus who has become our righteousness.

Thank you, Father.

Amen.

The Laboring to Eternity

This poem was written based on Ecclesiastes 3:11 and 5:8-6:12.  It is a reflection on what our hearts strive after. Is money the end goal? Or is it there to help enjoy what we have been blessed with and what we give to others.

I have not written as much here due to writing for my churches blog every week. You can follow the daily devotionals here: clcstarter.com

The Laboring to Eternity

God set eternity in the heart of every man

To know that this life is only part of the plan

Yet no one can fathom what God has made

From beginning to end, it will not fade

From dust we were created and formed

And to dust we will later be transformed

The things we have gathered will stay behind

And another will say that, "it is mine"

If working hard brings no enjoyment in its prosperity

Another thousand years will not bring change or clarity

All that we have labored for will be given away

Why strive after things until our hair has turned gray?

If it is eternity that we seek, but cannot find

We are looking for it with the wrong frame of mind

If we only stopped our toils and for a minute stood still

We will realize that there is a whole in our heart that we cannot fill

It is the thought of death that we so greatly fear

Yet, God made the path to eternity very clear

He sent His son to this very earth to show us the way

It is up to us if we accept this gift or choose to stay

God's Throne Room

The inspiration for this came to me while I was reading Isaiah's reflection on seeing God's throne room in Isaiah 6:1-7. A personal take on how it would be if that had been me.

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Holy, Holy, Holy

The words echoed in my head, louder and louder until it was unbearable. I...a mere mortal, kneeling in the throne room of the Almighty God, the maker of Heaven and Earth. The Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I should have been in awe, but that was a fleeting thought. Nothing in me inspired praise for God.

Holy, Holy, Holy

Noooooo! I cried out. I covered my ears in a fleeting attempt to drown the voices of the angels. I...am...not...worthy. Nothing in me was pure, my clothes were dirty and ragged compared to the white robes of the heavenly host around me. My sin was laid bare...all I had done ran through my mind, reminding me of how unholy I was, how broken, selfish, and conceited I had been. I wanted to disappear, to fall through the floor, to forget where I was. I sought darkness, a sanctuary away from God's judgment. I would give my life for this, anything rather than His throne room, this place of holiness.

Holy, Holy, Holy

It was too much to take. Tears fell on the floor as it marred the reflection of myself that I did not want to see. I had to disappear, to forget my wrongs, my faults, my sin. All I could do was make myself as small as I could, hoping that the floor would swallow me up. But my body would not let me, I had lost control long ago. I was overcome with sorrow and grief for all I had done wrong. I pulled at my hair in a vain attempt to remove the memories flooding through my mind. All my life I had thought that I was good enough and that I was better than other people, but not until I was in the presence of God did I realize that I was nowhere close to this. The evil inside overwhelmed me.

Holy, Holy, Holy

"I know!", I thought to myself. I understand, there is nothing that I could do to fix what I had done. All I was left with was my memories and my pain. I deserve the judgment, the punishment. "Please", I begged, "send me away, let me pay for my sins." There is nothing more righteous, nothing more deserving of justice than condemning me for my sin.

Holy, Holy, Holy

The words increased in strength, but I was spent. I had nothing left but sorrow. Dejected and humbled, I could only wait for the verdict, the decree from God. In the emptiness, where I was at my lowest, I felt a warmth, a gentle hand on my shoulder. As I watched with my eyes, I could see my clothes turning white. A feeling of freedom, a cleansing of me was being done. I knew it, I knew it was Jesus himself. He took my sin from me, the thoughts, the deeds in my mind began to feel as a distant memory.
He whispered to me, "I paid the price of your sins. I bought the debt, I took it upon me so that you can be free."
"I know," I said, "but I don't feel like I deserve you."
Jesus replied, "It was not your choice to make. I did it out of love. Now, sin no more. Go, tell others the good news. I will be with you."

As I opened my eyes, the feeling of warmth remained. I realized that I could not live my life in grief. Jesus took it away and I was here to live my life for Him. I knew He was with me, to change me from the inside daily. A smile began to slowly cover my face.
The echoes of the angels could still be heard in my head, as they were chanting, "Holy...holy....holy."